Harry Potter & The Muppet Show
by DrDementor
Summary: Harry, Ron, Hermione, & Snape guest star on The Muppet Show.


Harry Potter and The Muppet Show

By DrDementor

Kermit the Frog stood behind the curtain thinking about what a long strange trip it had been. Over fifty years since the wizard Jim Henson had gathered the Muppets together from all over the world to do, of all things, a Muggle television show. Of course, the Muggles didn't know the creatures cavorting across their screens were magical. No, they believed that Muppets were creations of cloth and thread brought to life only by Muggles pulling on strings attached to their limbs or sticking their hands up Muppet's behinds. Kermit permitted himself a rueful smile. The preposterous things that Muggles believed.

Of course any magic using folk would have immediately recognized the Muppets for the living, breathing magical creatures they were. A talking frog. A piano playing dog. Gonzo. What else could it be but magic? Silly Muggles.

Of course there wasn't room on the show for everybody. Many Muppets left to pursue opportunities elsewhere, like Kermit's old friend Snerglehock or as he now preferred to be called, The Sorting Hat. There had not been much sorting to do on a variety show so he left and ended up at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The staff were very glad to have him as he was considerably better than the Sorting Pants they had been using. Kermit could only imagine where the mouth had been on those.

It was, if fact, through The Sorting Hat that Kermit had managed to land his special guest for the new show, Harry Potter. The Boy Who Lived. Now a student at Hogwarts about to enter his fourth year, Harry was quite possibly the most famous person in the wizarding world. Now he was here, guest starring on the new not-for-Muggle-viewing version of The Muppet Show. He had come with his friends Ron and Hermione as well as a chaperone, Professor Severus Snape. The professor didn't seem too happy about being here though. Kermit had the impression he had been ordered here by a superior. Oh well, thought Kermit, maybe I can work him into the show. Everyone likes being the center of attention.

Miss Piggy sidled up to him, "_Hi, Kermie_."

Kermit looked at her and felt his heart beat a little faster. Then he saw everyone backstage looking at them and it abruptly slowed down. "Hi, Piggy" he said nonchalantly.

"Kermie, I thought that after the show we could have dinner. Maybe at some nice little _romantic_ place?" she said, batting her eyelashes.

"Er, well, sure Piggy." He said. "I'm sure Fozzie, Rowlf, Dr. Honeydew, and Gonzo would love to have dinner. It's been a while since we've all been out."

Piggy's eyelashes ceased their batting. "What do you mean 'we've all'?" she said glowering. "I meant just the two of us. A chance to get to know one another more INTIMATELY!" Somehow her voice had become anything but intimate.

"Uh, well, maybe some other time, Piggy. Yeah, dinner with the whole crew sounds great. Don't forget to invite the chickens. You know how jealous they can get."

"CHICKENS!"

"Places everyone!" yelled Kermit. "Time to start the show!" He ran off to get everyone organized.

"Hmmph!" said Piggy.

The opening had gone off without a hitch and now Schultz the Dancing Sausage was on stage. Ron took one look at it and headed backstage.

He found what looked suspiciously like Gonzo seducing a chicken. He crept closer so he could hear was they were saying.

"Now, Camilla, you know how beautiful I think you are." Gonzo said. Camilla clucked appreciatively. "Your feathers are so soft and eyes are so brown." He continued. Camilla laid her head against him, staring into his face lovingly. "And your beak is so-"

"SQUAWK!" Another chicken came charging up them. It squawked angrily at Gonzo, pausing every so often to, could it be, _growl_ at the other chicken. Ron watched in amazement.

Gonzo looked at the angry chicken then to the one with her head on his chest, "You're not Camilla?" he asked. The chicken shook her head. "Oh no." He looked at the very angry real Camilla. "Sorry, dear."

Camilla squawked loudly and flapped her wings. The other chicken pulled her head off Gonzo's chest and fled, Camilla in hot pursuit.

Ron felt it was safe to approach. "Hey, Gonzo. Sorry, I couldn't help but overhear the commotion."

Gonzo sighed. "Why is it that whenever there's a fork in the road I choose the one with more trouble?"

Ron thought about this for a moment. "You mean the road that made the chicken cross?"

Schultz had finished his act and the stage was reset for Muppet Labs. The two old geezers Statler and Waldorf sat in the balcony critiquing the show.

"That Dancing German Sausage was terrible" Said Statler, looking at his program. "I hope the next act is better."

"Cheer up." Said Waldorf. "The wurst is behind us."

Harry stood backstage going over his lines. He wished he could rehearse with someone but Miss Piggy was in her dressing room getting ready and Ron and Hermione seemed to have vanished. Hermione had been acting rather strangely since they had picked up Ron. If Harry hadn't known better he would have thought she was angry Ron wasn't paying her enough attention.

Fozzie Bear, the aspiring comedian, came up to Harry. "Excuse me, Mr. Potter, but could you help us out in the mail room? The packages are acting up again and we can't get them to calm down. Could you please talk to them?"

Harry looked confused. "Talk to them? How am I supposed to talk to them?"

"Well, aren't you a Parcelmouth?"

Ron was talking to Gonzo while Animal stood nearby. Hermione walked by quickly.

"Woman! Woman!" shouted Animal excitedly.

"What?" said Ron.

"Hmmph!" exclaimed Hermione. "At least somebody notices!" She headed off towards the dressing room.

"Huh?" said Ron, turning to Gonzo.

Gonzo shrugged. "Chicks." he said.

Miss Piggy was brushing her hair in the dressing room when there was a knock at the door. "Come in. " she said.

The door opened and Hermione stuck her head in. "Miss Piggy, can I have a word with you?"

Piggy stopped brushing her hair and turned her chair around. "Of course, dear, have a seat." Hermione shut the door behind her and sat facing Piggy. "What's the word?" Piggy asked.

"Boys"

"Ah." Piggy said. "Which one?"

Hermione turned slightly pink. "Ron."

"Really? I mean, of course, I'm sure there's lots to like about him. That red hair is really something. I prefer green myself, but to each her own."

"Yes." Said Hermione. "About that. I couldn't help but notice some…tension between you and Kermit."

"Well, um, you see…"

"It's just that you seem to really like him, but he's just totally clueless. Like Ron."

Just then Piggy's cell phone rang. She hastily picked it up. "Yeah, Bernie, what ya got? Uh huh. Uh huh. What do you mean they gave the part to Babe? What kind of an agent are you? How could anyone pass _moi_ over for some sheep herding runt? Come on, Bernie! Start getting me some parts! How's my birthday party coming? Did you contact the party planners? I think I need a really big bash to get the studio's attention. What do you mean the planners were booked! A school dance! Who needs one of the biggest firms around to plan a school dance? Three schools at one dance! Who in their right mind puts that many teenagers in a room? OK, OK, you're working on it. Well, hurry it up then. If you can't do the job there are plenty of other agents who'd love to have my business." Piggy put the phone down with a sigh. "Agents."

"Oh, " said Hermione, "well…"

"Agents are a lot like men. Very useful, occasionally indispensable, but often in need of a swift kick to get them moving in the right direction."

"I, er, don't think I could kick-"

"I don't mean literally, dear, but simply something to make him realize that time is of the essence and you're not going to wait around for him forever."

Hermione smiled. "I think I understand. Thanks, Miss Piggy."

"Don't mention it."

Fozzie came up to Harry again. "So Harry, " he began, "Ready for your acting debut? Need any advice from an entertainment professional?"

"I was looking for Kermit, yes." Harry answered.

Fozzie continued anyway. "You know what the most important thing an actor needs to have?"

"No."

"Versatility. The ability to become anyone or anything according to the situation. It's especially important for scary stories. In fact, our most famous actor is best known for his parts in scary movies."

"Who's that?'

"Humphrey Boggart."

The curtains opened to reveal a laboratory stocked with all sorts of scientific equipment. In the center was a table with a large chemistry set. A short bald man with thick glasses stood behind it.

"Hello and Welcome to Muppet Labs!" he said. "I'm Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and today I'll be demonstrating how to make a very useful potion, so I'm sure you'll all want to pay great attention. Assisting me as usual is my assistant Beaker. Beaker, will you bring in the ingredients please?"

An extremely thin muppet with a wild shock of orange hair entered the lab carrying a large tray of ingredients. He carefully placed it next to the chemistry set.

"Thank you, Beaker." Said Honeydew.

"Mee Meep." Said Beaker.

"Guess what, Beaker. Today we have a special guest in the laboratory. He's an expect chemist and has agreed to help us today with our special potion."

"Meep?"

"Why it's none other than Hogwarts own potion master, Severus Snape! Professor, won't you please come out?"

Snape, dressed in his customary all black robes, dragged himself on stage and over to Honeydew.

"Thank you for agreeing to help us today, Professor. I'm sure between our two great minds this potion will be a breeze."

Snape glared venomously at Honeydew. "I assure you, _Doctor_, that were it not for my superior at Hogwarts ordering me to be _agreeable_ I wouldn't have anything to do with your little demonstration. However, given that this is my area of expertise I will assist you as best I can."

"Well, that's very kind of you Professor. Isn't it Beaker?"

"Mee Meep Mee Mee."

"What did that _thing_, just say?" snarled Snape.

"He said he welcomes your expert assistance."

"_Really_."

"Oh, yes. Now, on to the potion. Today, we will be making one of the most useful concoctions one can make. It's called the Polygoose Potion! It's quite a wonderful little-"

"Excuse me, Honeydew, but did you say Poly_goose_ Potion?"

"Yes."

Snape stared at Honeydew, his face caught between contortions of confusion and annoyance. "I've never heard of it."

"I see. Well, don't worry, Professor Snape. I'm sure if you make a mistake Beaker can help you out."

"_What?_" roared Snape.

"Oh, yes. Beaker's quite a good assistant. Some day he may take over Muppet Labs or perhaps take a teaching position somewhere. I don't suppose you'll be leaving Hogwarts anytime soon?"

"_WHAT?_" roared Snape again. "See here, Honeydew, I am not a man to be trifled with! I can make potions to bewitch the mind and ensnare the senses! I can bottle fame, brew glory, and even put a stopper in death!"

"Meep Meep Mee Mee Meep." said Beaker.

"No, Beaker, I don't think there's a potion to cure a bloated head."

"Mee Meep Meep Mee."

"Nor one to give someone fashion sense either."

"Listen, Honeydew. I've had about enough of this. Either get on with the potion or I'm leaving!"

"Very well, Professor Snape. Let's begin with the goose feathers. Beaker, if you would."

"Goose feathers, Honeydew? I'm not familiar with any magical properties in goose feathers."

"I see. Are you sure you're a professor? Perhaps there's been some mistake. Can I some identification?"

"I AM A PROFESSOR AND NO YOU MAY NOT SEE MY BLOODY IDENTIFICATION!"

"Very well. Then I will tell both you and our audience that goose feathers possess numerous magical qualities especially regarding getting a good nights sleep. My goodness, Professor, even the Muggles have figured that out!"

"Insult me again, Doctor, and your assistant will be running the lab sooner than you think."

"Meep Mee Mee?"

"Yes, Beaker, I think so too."

"Think what, Honeydew? And don't lie to me. I am a master of Legilimency and Occlumency. I can see into the minds of others with ease while blocking them from pentrating mine. Don't make me do it to you. It isn't pleasant."

"Occlumency?" said Statler. "That's a rare skill. I don't think more than fifty people have it."

"Why do you say that?" asked Waldorf.

"The sign at the door said Max Occlumency 50 persons."

Honeydew was now stirring a steaming cauldron. The ingredients tray was empty. "Now, Professor Snape, we are almost finished. We have just one more step to complete the Polygoose Potion and activate its magic. Are you ready?"

"I couldn't be more ready to finish this if I thought this would actually work."

"Very good. Now we all need to hold hands in a circle around the cauldron."

"Excuse me?"

"You, me, and Beaker will hold hands in a circle. Then we will skip around the cauldron singing Ring Around The Rosie. At the end we will fall down and potion will be complete."

"You must be joking."

"Of course not. It's actually quite a lot of fun. Give it a try."

"I don't sing, Honeydew."

"Come now, Professor, this isn't opera. Except for the valkrie hat you'll be wearing."

"WHAT?"

"Okay, that time I was joking. Now hurry up and form a circle Professor."

Snape held hands with Beaker and Honeydew. "Very good. Now begin!" The three began to skip around the cauldron. Then they began to sing.

"Ring around the rosie,

a pocket full of posies,

ashes, ashes,

we all fall DOWN!"

The three collapsed on the floor. At the same instant an explosion of feathers burst from the cauldron. "Oh no!" exclaimed Honeydew. "It didn't work!"

Snape yanked his hands away and stood up. "What do you mean it didn't work?" he snarled. "That was probably the most humiliating thing in my life! It had better work!"

Honeydew peered into the cauldron. "No." he said sadly. "Instead of being absorbed into the liquid the feathers were forcefully expelled. The ingredients didn't come together."

"How is that possible?"

Honeydew thought for a moment. "Are you sure you sang it right?"

"Me?" hissed Snape. "You're blaming me! That blasted assistant of yours was Meep Meeping all over the place and you're blaming me! How dare you!"

"It doesn't matter what language the song is in, only that you sing it fully. You did sing it didn't you?"

Snape glared silently for a moment, then said " I told you I don't sing, Honeydew."

"But, Professor, you must! It's essential for three people to sing the song! We must try it again!"

"Forget it, Honeydew! I've been as agreeable as any man can be up this point and I've had enough! You and your incoherent assistant can find some other sap to finish your Polygoose Potion. I'm done!" Snape stalked off stage.

"Oh my, Beaker. " said Honeydew. " I guess we won't be able to complete the potion."

"Mee Mee Meep?"

"No, I guess we won't be able to produce those fluffy pillows for everyone. That's too bad. Oh, well, sorry everyone! See you next time!"

"What no goose feather pillows?" asked Waldorf.

"What a downer." Said Statler.

"That Snape's a real nasty guy."

"Rude."

"Arrogant."

"Loner."

"Bet his parents weren't even married."

"How would you know?"

"How else? Illegilimency!"

Snape stormed backstage. "Potter! Weasley! Granger! Come here this instant! We're leaving!" he shouted. He stood there seething while Gonzo's chickens cowered in the corners.

Kermit came running up to him. "What's the matter, Professor?"

Snape whirled on Kermit. "The matter, _Frog_, is that I've just been embarrassed in front of the entire wizarding world or at least the pathetic bunch who watch this miserable program! I'm collecting my students, taking them home, and reporting straight to the headmaster to tell him what a colossal waste of time this was!"

Harry and Ron came in from the wings of the stage where they had been watching The Swedish Chef prepare something called Lavender Hash Browns. Hermione and Miss Piggy came in from the dressing room.

"You – you can't do that Professor!" stammered Kermit. "The show's not over. We still need Harry to be in the final number and-"

"I DON'T CARE!" bellowed Snape. "I'M NOT SPENDING ANOTHER MOMENT HERE! YOUR INANE PROGRAM ISN'T WORTH FLOBBERWORM MUCUS!" He pulled out his wand and leveled it at Kermit. "Just try to stop me, _Frog_."

"HIII-YA!" In a blur, Piggy flew at Snape and landed a mighty karate chop to his chest. Snape flew through the air and smacked against the wall. He fell to the floor unconscious.

"Oh my goodness!" exclaimed Hermione.

"Miss Piggy just knocked out Snape!" said Harry.

"Brilliant!" said Ron.

Everyone gathered around Snape's motionless form. "Um," said Kermit. "Well-"

"_Thanks for saving my life, Piggy_." Said Miss Piggy.

"Er-" said Kermit. "Thanks Piggy-" Miss Piggy beamed. "for letting us get on with show." Piggy looked to be cuing up another karate chop. "Okay, everyone, back to work." Said Kermit. "Fozzie's up next, and then Harry and Miss Piggy for the finale. Places everyone!" Kermit hustled off.

"Hmmph!" snorted Miss Piggy.

Fozzie's act ended to the usual chorus of boos. Statler and Waldorf sat in the balcony shaking their heads.

"Typical Fozzie act. " said Statler. "All but unbearable."

"Harry Potter and Miss Piggy are up next. " said Waldorf. "Think he can hold his own with her? She's quite a ham."

"Always hogging the stage."

"Oh, Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho!" they chorteled.

The curtains opened to reveal what appeared to be a elaborate study. Large bookcase lined the walls and comfortable looking furniture abounded. A large wooden desk dominated the room and Harry sat behind it. He was wearing expensive looking clothes and a prosthetic pig snout. Miss Piggy sat on the other side on the desk, wearing much poorer garments. Harry tapped his wand on the desk. "Now Eliza, lets try this again. 'The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain'."

"Yes, Professor Piggins." Said Miss Piggy in a terrible cockney accent. "The rain in Spain-"

"Look out!" yelled Hermione, running on stage. "Snape's awake!"

A moment later Severus Snape burst onstage, wand at the ready. "Where is she?" he demanded. "Ahhhh, there you are, Piggy. Thought you could attack a wizard with impunity did you? I'll show you different." He aimed his wand directly at Miss Piggy's head. "_Crusi_-"

"No!" shouted Harry and Hermione.

"_Gonzus Proboscis_!" shouted Ron, his curse interrupting Snape's in the nick of time. Snape's nose immediately turned purple, grew ten inches and formed an even larger hook at the end.

Snape practically dropped his wand in shock. "What on earth? Weasley! You dare to curse a Hogwarts professor? To defend this pig! I'll show you…" Snape turned his wand to Ron. "_Expellia_-"

"_Beakerus Speakerus_!" shouted Hermione. Snape's body convulsed as he took the full impact of her curse. Enraged he turned again and leveled his wand at Hermione. His face flushing red he fired off a terrible curse.

"Mee Meep Mee Meep Meep!" Snape's jaw dropped at the sound his own voice. "Mee Mee Meep? Meep Meep! Mee Mee Mee Mee Meep!" He stamped his foot in fury. He aimed his wand at Hermione, then Ron, then Piggy, then Hermione again, desperately trying to get off a spell. "Meep Meep! Meep Meep! Mee Mee Meep Meep! Meep Mee Mee Meep Meep!" Mad beyond reason, he cast his wand aside and ran at Piggy hands reaching for her throat.

"_Immobulus_!" said Harry. Snape came to an instant halt, his entire body rigid. Everyone gathered around him.

"I can't believe we attacked a teacher." said Hermione.

"Again." said Harry and Ron.

"Of course, we'll send someone to get him. Once we're away." said Hermione.

"Yes.", said Harry. "I'm sure Dumbledore would love to come and visit the Muppets. He can undo the curses in no time."

"Might want to let him keep the nose though." offered Ron.

Miss Piggy came running up to Ron and threw her arms around him. "My hero!" she exclaimed. "You saved me from that horrible man! You were so brave!" She leaned her head against him, making sure Kermit was getting every word. "Unlike others."

Kermit turned about as red as someone green could turn. "But Piggy," he stammered, "I was about to throw myself in front of you! Ron just got him first. I would never let anything happen to you. I – I – I…"

"Yessss?" cooed Piggy.

"I - I've got to close the show." Kermit finished. He started to walk away, then suddenly turned back. "Piggy, would you like to have dinner tonight?"

"Alone?" asked Piggy.

"Yes." Gulped Kermit.

"No chickens or bears or…things?" she asked, glancing at Gonzo.

"Yes."

"Oh, Kermie!" Piggy exclaimed as she released Ron and threw her arms around Kermit. "Of course! Of course! I'll go get changed right away!" She let go of Kermit and ran backstage.

"Mad, that one." Said Ron. He noticed Hermione looking at him with a strange smile on her face. "What?"

Hermione didn't answer and walked over to where all the Muppets were gathering on stage for the show's ending. Harry and Ron soon joined her.

Kermit stood the front. "That's tonight's show folks. I'd like to thank our guests Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, and Professor Severus Snape!" Harry and Hermione waved to the cameras. Ron was standing next to the immobilized Snape, making bunny ears and pointing at Snape's purple nose. "Thanks for watching!" continued Kermit. "Good night!"

"That was some finale." Said Waldorf. "I didn't think stage musicals had so many magical curses."

"Neither did I. " said Statler. "Maybe next time they should call Hex Harrison."

"That Piggy always gets what she wants in the end."

"Wonder where she learned it all?"

"Where else? Hogwarts!"


End file.
